the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
