im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
