I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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