Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
