Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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