this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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