dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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