You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
