I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
