True but thats because hes a fetus.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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