the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
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His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
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Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I supernannyed him into submission
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