her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
