She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
