Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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