When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
