I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
