i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
