Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
