drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
