I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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