Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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