apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
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I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
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I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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