Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i now understand why vodka
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
