his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
