I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
