i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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