I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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