on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
