sarcasm needs its own font
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
