Acid is not a monday night drug
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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