Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
