you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
