My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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