nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I sprained my soul last night
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
