Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
