So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
