So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Ladies don't puke and tell
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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