i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
