I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
