The maid of honor just puked.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
