The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
