No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She's the barista slut.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
