Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
