moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
