My Higher Power is John Stamos
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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