I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Green mimosas i think yes
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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