We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
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sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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