Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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