I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
