I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
