i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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