It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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